The Breakdown

I find myself carrying many attributes in this life, but I do not consider vulnerability one of them. So, writing this is a little out of my comfort zone. This is because when I have found myself being vulnerable to those around me, it has come back to bite me. The Lord has been working on vulnerability in my heart for this past week or so and man how it’s so sweet.

This is the story of how I have stepped into vulnerability and taking hold of how God always knows better.

In high school, I strived for everyone’s acceptance and approval. This meant I had to be perfect at all times (or at least show that I had it all together), conform to the identity people spoke over me, and participate in things that society said were “cool”.

Throughout my four years of high school, I worked hard to get good grades, a high-class ranking, and a solid GPA. Though I did these things, I wasn’t treated like so. I was called dumb, an idiot, not good enough, too blonde, and in some cases, people laughed at me. I wanted to attend a four-year university and show my peers that I could do it all despite what they called me. I tried everything in my power to fight for what I wanted and refused to accept what I needed, which was a deep relationship with Jesus.

Here is a little throwback to one of my graduation pictures… what feels like forever ago.

Obviously attending a four-year university didn’t work out the way I had planned and praise the Lord it didn’t. Coming out of high school, I wasn’t in a good place and I wasn’t surrounding myself with good people either. Somehow in the midst of the chaos, God was calm, pulled me a little closer, and surrounded me in His embrace.

I fought hard for what I wanted. I was absolutely determined to follow through on my decision to go to the College of Charleston for the full “college experience”. I attended orientation, signed up for classes, and met a couple of people I would be doing life with. I was so excited, but looking back I don’t think my whole heart was in.

Then it all started to crumble.

I wasn’t able to sign up for all the classes I needed to be a full-time student. I didn’t have a room assignment. I never received any financial aid for out-of-state tuition. I was frantic and was simply scrambling to pick up all the pieces.

I took a step back for a week away from it all and traveled to my last summer at camp as a camper. The fruit from this one week was incredible. The Holy Spirit grabbed ahold of me and was so strong that I couldn’t deny it. God placed new plans right in front of me that could have only been provided by Him alone. I picked up what the Lord laid before me and ran straight into His arms. So, I gave up my college dream and attended a wilderness semester through the summer camp.

What a time to be alive! Definitely one of my favorite seasons the Lord has gifted me.

God pulled me out of my everyday life and started to show me how much He has to offer. During the wilderness semester, I was still searching and learning what it meant to be a daughter of the King. I followed the semester by working at the camp for a summer in 2019 and helped throughout that fall as well. What a freakin’ experience! Each of these steps has prepared me for where I am now.

Now as I walk down this hallway in Costa Rica which echoes what feels like a dorm, I can laugh and be reminded of a time when I thought I knew better, when my wants seemed greater than my needs. We have been at debrief and some changes have been happening, so through this, I am choosing to be bold and vulnerable instead of pulling away. In vulnerability, there is growth and beauty because through it all the Holy Spirit is moving.

What an honor to serve the Kingdom during a pandemic! These kids were such a light in my life. I couldn’t have asked for a better group to pour into and play soccer with. 

Mom, Dad, did you all ever think you would raise a missionary? Because I for sure never thought I would be one. What an unexpected blessing it is to submit and serve God! Life with Jesus is so stinkin’ sweet and He is constantly leaving me in awe of His goodness.

This changed everything that I had planned. All of this to say, God is always moving and molding our hearts and minds. The Holy Spirit is aligning our spirits with His, even when we think we know better. As I sit here and think back on God’s love, it is wild. His love cannot be contained and His love is just as wild for YOU! Are you going to pick up the Lord’s love and what He has laid before you? Are you going to be vulnerable?

Being on mission for Christ is the best life! Life is ministry, ministry is life.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me. So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and in difficulties, for the sake of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Step into the unknown with our heavenly Father because you know it will be good.

with all my love,

PJ